Looking for…

Reader, I slept with him.

Well…Summer’s going well!! Adam’s bought a sports bike and he’s taking me for a quick ride soon :o) hee hee! Can’t wait!! ‘Tis a Ducati and is beautiful and red. I am in love with it.

I went over to see the bike and me and him were both getting all excited about it. Anyway, in typical Lydia and Adam fashion I went in to his to see his leathers and we ended up hugging. At one point my top was lifted up (I know I’m an evil person who deserves to be shot at but it’s his bl**dy girlfriend and it’s always him that initiates it - not that that justifies anything I just feel that the blame is slightly more on him…) God he’s gorgeous. And I’m going back later for a ride (he didn’t really specify on what…!) he also told me not to listen to what PNA says about me being too fat for him and that I should listen to him when he says I’m absolutely gorgeous…Ok then! Oh bl**dy hell, I need to have breakfast and go get ready! Arrrgh! This is awful, especially since his missus is refusing to go anywhere near his bike and I’m practically drooling over the thing…Evil, evil bitch that I am… Right. I’m off. If anyone would like to leave me a comment to discourage me in what I am tempted to do that would be great, I need some sense talking in to me. I’m leaving in just under an hour. Oh Lord, I’m such a bad person. I’ll just go round, go out on the bike, have a bike related chat and come home.

Some more dodgy poetry: 

The boy.

You were there for the pain,

The physical when I couldn’t stand,

The emotional when I couldn’t rise.

You offered me no support,

But being at the end of the ’phone

Meant you supported me.

You really hurt me,

You offered me guidance

And excitement.

You hurt me and kicked me down,

You healed me and lifted me up,

All in one day,

All in one conversation,

All in one line.

It shouldn’t be so hard to release you,

To be happy for you.

I shouldn’t be desperate for your voice,

Your smile,

Your touch.

(About James - he could make me get ridiculously over-emotional, as you can tell!)

Joe.

Why do I find it so difficult to be the girlfriend I want to be?

I panic so much, that you don’t like me or that I’m being too full-on.

I stop myself from texting you,

I make myself play games.

It’s not what I want so why am I doing it?

I have to stay in control,

And I want you to let me have all the control.

But I would hate for you to be weak,

To submit.

So what the hell am I asking you for?

To be there,

But not too much.

To plan ahead that we will meet up,

But not so that I think you don’t want to see me all the time.

Ring me up and ask me over then and there,

But don’t expect me to drop everything for you.

How is it that months after the others

I can admit how strongly I felt,

Once they started treating me like dirt.

I knew how I felt.

I want to treat you the way you deserve,

It’ll take time but I’ll do it.

I’m panicking every step off the way.

That I’m not what you want,

That I’ve changed since you first met me,

That you’ve changed your mind.

I’m so scared you don’t want to be with me.

I must really want to be with you to be panicking like this I guess.

But I must be such a pain in the arse.

Getting pissed off at you,

Getting emotional.

And that’s not who I want to be…

I guess I’m confused.

And scared.

(Bless me, proof that I really did care about Joe and actually wanted it to work!)

Inadequate.

There’s no way he’d like you,

He likes skinny blondes.

And you are a fat brunette.

He has a stunning girlfriend.

You couldn’t compete.

Why get involved in my business?

Is your own life lacking something?

He’s never been bothered about my hair colour,

Not when he’s yanking my head back with it to caress my neck with his tongue,

Lust pooling in my chest.

He’s never really cared about the width of my hips,

Not when he’s pushing me over the table to thrust himself, rock hard, against my ass.

When I have him inside me,

Neither of us will care about what you claim are my flaws.

Maybe you’re just bitter.

After all, your wife has made it very clear.

Even she’d like a ’moment’

With the man who wants me.

Even with Barbie,

Or whatever plastic fantastic creature he’s with,

It’s still me whose moans tip him over the edge.

(About Adam and our neighbour who claims that Adam would never be interested in me, I think this shows well what an evil person I can be…)

The R word.

Please feel free to violate me.

I may as well have said it,

For all the good my protestations did.

I may as well have just collapsed on the bed,

Legs spread.

I was being silly;

That’s what it’s called when you make it clear that you don’t want sex.

Terror gripped me seeing the eyes change from my friend,

To some ogre.

Where was I supposed to stop it?

What did I do for him to think that it was ok?

Breaking out of the house in the middle of the night,

Running alone, lost, through the streets.

The pain in my thighs the next day,

The tiny thumb-shaped bruise blooming on my arm.

Like I’d been attacked.

(About Dave and the events when he came home for the week)

It’s July!!!! Oh no, we only have 2 months of summer left! Although, June is sort of an in between month in my opinion (Spring/Summer) so we’ll discount that and say that summer begins properly today :o) and in the spirit of frivolity (ahem…) I may put some more poetry on here. It is crap, crapper than the last lot in fact, but I have to get used to people reading my work…

Well before I get to that; I saw Rich at the gym last night and he is an odd one! We had a real laugh but he was in a rush to meet his friend and I didn’t want him to go. Doesn’t this prove that I like him? I am a little bit of a mess aren’t I? Really? We are constantly texting each other when we have the chance and I haven’t yet got to the, ‘Oh f*ck off and stop texting me!’ stage. Hmm. Anyway he is odd because for instance he told me in a message that he was sitting at home in his pants and said that it was a boy thing. I agreed and said that I might try it and he recommended it. However surely most men would feel the need to push that over in to suggestive territory and neither of us did. Maybe we’re as weird as each other and therefore a perfect match lol!

The tutor at uni replied to my e mail and agreed that the situation that we ended up in was ‘alarming’ God bless him! Anywho I have been out sunbathing today but it’s gotten a bit windy and cold so I’ll put some poetry on here.

Lyds x x x

Oh, P.S. I left a message on Phil’s wall saying ‘happy birthday’ - several others had too - and he sent me a text thanking me for it (in this message he finally managed to call me Lyds, in the last one he called me Lydia and made me feel like I should call him Mr ******** or something equally formal). I said that it was fine and just hoped he had a good day and he didn’t reply (no need to though, I didn’t ask a question) but some other girl had posted on his wall and I have taken a disliking to her, as you do.

Ok this could take some time but I’m going to figure out 101 small things that make me happy - not broad ranging like going to the gym or getting asked out nor big things like promotions or getting married.

Here goes:

1. Having a cherry milkshake walking to uni,
2. Wandering around a museum, feeling cultured,
3. Doing a sprint so fast you can’t breathe,
4. Singing along to a song loudly in a car full of friends,
5. Having a fruit smoothie,
6. Drinking mint lattes outside and gossiping,
7. Shopping for a new going out dress,
8. Reading a magazine,
9. Hitting the 100mph+ point on the back of the bike,
10. The first steps you take off a plane in a foreign country,
11. Wearing stupidly high shoes even though they hurt,
12. Harmless flirting in the sauna or steam room,
13. Waking up to bright sunshine coming through the blinds,
14. A hug,
15. Cocktails,
16. Someone wolfwhistling at you,
17. Finding a book you can’t put down,
18. Creme brulee,
19. Getting an unexpected text message,
20. Doing a ridiculously comprehensive skin care regime before bed,
21. Flavoured vodka,
22. Looking through pictures of friends and family,
23. Smooth, moisturised legs,
24. Getting a massage,
25. Hearing a song that completely sums up your mood,
26. Knowing that someone can’t take their eyes off you,
27. Reading your horoscope and finding something that vaguely relates to your life,
28. Finishing a crossword,
29. Putting contact lenses in and being able to see,
30. Wearing a dress that you know you look amazing in,
31. Noticing a spelling/grammatical mistake that no one else has noticed,
32. Putting on an old, comfortable jumper,
33. Dancing around in your underwear,
34. Drunkenly singing using a drink bottle as a “microphone”,
35. Double bacon cheese burgers,
36. Having a proper bath (smoothie on the side, appropriately frothy literature, nicely bubbly and smelly bath),
37. Eating an ice lolly outside,
38. Seeing your reflection in the weirdly slimming sauna door,
39. Receiving an unexpected compliment,
40. Hearing a great new song,
41. Finishing an essay on time,
42. Getting in at sunrise,
43. A lift home in a sexy car from a sexy man,
44. Chips and cheese after a night out,
45. Dancing around in a jangly-jangly belt, Arabic-stylee,
46. The end of your period,
47. The first day of summer when it’s warm enough to wear skimpy clothing,
48. Running through the rain,
49. Having a proper nights sleep after several nights out,
50. Facebook/myspace stalking,
51. Watching Sex and the City,
52. Someone passionately licking your neck/ears,
53. Pay day,
54. Hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate, cinnamon and vanilla sprinkled on top when it’s cold outside,
55. Having absolutely nothing to do for a brief time,
56. Walking down a beach alone,
57. Dancing in a big crowd of friends,
58. Someone unexpectedly remembering something obscure about you that you don’t even remember telling them,
59. Finding a quote you love,
60. Reading through an old diary,
61. Talking with your family,
62. Eating barbequed food out in the sun,
63. Feeling popular,
64. Finding money in an old bag or pair of jeans,
65. Getting the chance to watch the soaps,
66. Finishing an exam,
67. Wearing matching sexy underwear,
68. Finding a photo of yourself looking particularly good,
69. A day off from work,
70. A ridiculously sexy man smiling at you,
71. Writing something vaguely intelligent(!),
72. Dark chocolate,
73. Innocent smoothies,
74. Walking somewhere,
75. A cold shower,
76. A sad song that makes you think,
77. Finding an item of clothing that fits,
78. Sorting out a decent CV,
79. Being told that you make someone’s day,
80. Putting on an item of clothing that is unexpectedly really comfortable,
81. Walking down the street wiggling your hips,
82. All-you-can-eat restaurants,
83. Seeing a fit man washing his very posh car, topless,
84. New perfume,
85. The smell of Malibu or sun tan lotion (holiday smell!),
86. Painted nails,
87. Liquorice,
88. The taste of advent calender chocolate,
89. New colouring pencils, even though you long since lost the desire to colour,
90. Vodka and cranberry juice,
91. Men in uniform,
92. Standing up for yourself when you know you’re right,
93. Buying someone a present that they will love,
94. A good vibrator,
95. Thornton’s chocolate,
96. Seeing celebrities pictured in magazines with a story about how they’ve ’shaped up’ and realising that you’re in better shape,
97. Reliving old memories with a friend,
98. Flirty texting,
99. Having an unusually clean bedroom,
100. Coffee-based caramel frappachinos with whipped cream,
101. Realising what a great story a particular situation makes (Having a pro. rugby player on Sunday night and a fireman on Monday evening, being torn between a 40 year old fireman and a 40 year old copper, etc!)

And of course the big 5!: (1) A good man, (2) Good friends, (3) A fulfilling career (uni!), (4) Being fit and healthy and (5) Having a good time.

Hallo,

I have just e mailed one of the tutors at uni about the dodgy internship interview Soph and I went to and God only knows what he will make of that. Letters of complaint seem to be a bit of a speciality of mine! Anyway myself and Rich have progressed…I have his number! He sent it to me on Facebook saying that I could send him abusive messages if I chose to so we were texting each other all yesterday. I have gotten in to my usual ‘Oh God is this really a good idea?! Do I even like him?!’ thing now. At least with Phil it all happened so fast that when I started questioning everything we were already together and he could reassure me and I could calm myself down. I truly am a f*ck up, aren’t I?! Oh well.

It’s Phil’s birthday today so I will send him a casual message later. I got a bit teary last night because I foolishly looked at his profile and saw the pictures on there with him looking moody and posing. I’ve seen them before but it still hits me hard just how little I knew him. Hmm. Anyway the plan for the day is that I am going to do some food shopping (parents are away) and then I will go to the gym to see Rich :o)

Oh guess who is p*ssing me off…Beth! I re read some of my posts on here earlier and I am constantly p*ssed off with her, aren’t I?!! I couldn’t be arsed with seeing her or texting her last week because it’s not like she makes the effort so we just didn’t speak all last week. Then I finished work yesterday and had a text from her asking if I got the work experience so I said that I wasn’t sure yet but it had been a bit weird so we weren’t doing it anyway and asked how she was. Quelle surprise she hasn’t bothered to text me back. As awful as this is (or funny, depending on your opinion!) if I do end up going out with Rich, and I will if he gets around to asking, then it’ll be funny to drop in to the conversation my relationship with a man who is double my age and a good friend of Phil’s! We truly have nothing in common anymore and she never bothers to make to effort so I don’t see why I should.

I’m just contemplating whether to order a vibrator from Ann Summers? I’m also thinking that this is the sort of thing that other people probably don’t contemplate on a blog lol! The one I have now is great and all but a new vibrator is like a getting a new man…who doesn’t annoy you! God, it’s been ages since I’ve been on the website. I used to go on it when I was with Joe then we split up so it felt sad and lonely to go on it…tsch, just shows how much a break up warps my thinking. Oops, I’m buying one! I was going to buy slutty underwear too but nobody wants to see me in that! Ok apparently I’m not ordering it because the transaction failed. Guess I’m going in to town, maybe tomorrow. I want some Lush bath stuff too so I may have a nice day tomorrow :o)

I’ve seen Joe on his own at the gym twice this week and both times he gave me a lift home :o) I think I get on with Joe and Ian better when I see them each on their own. When I see them both together I end up feeling cr*p. But I got on really, really well with Joe both times I saw him and we had a real laugh. It’s a good thing that I am well aware that getting back together isn’t an option for either of us and that it was sh*t when we were together otherwise I’d be getting the wants lol!

I haven’t seen Adam at all recently. I believe he has finally got a lodger because of the car that is always outside. He has also been going on for ages about getting a lodger who actually pays as opposed to a mate who just sponges off him. Amusingly the lodger seems to be male, which I saw potential with (how awful is it that I considered going out with someone who I know nothing about just so that, post-sex, I could strut around Adam’s house in my underwear being a tease?!!) He has 3 bedrooms at his so I might suggest he needs another lodger ;o) I can just see my parents understanding that, yes I want to be further away from the main road (because we’re so close to it anyway…) Anyway I was out with my dad on the motorbike and on the way back I saw the car (a yellow estate…I’m really trying not to snort with laughter here…) and he appears to be an ugly f*cker! He also seems to be spending a lot of time at the house, which means that nothing will ever happen with me and Adam. Although to be fair I think that Adam has bottled it anyway. Bloody men.

Well I’m a lazy cow, aren’t I?!

I’m going to do a quick recap:

I went to the uni summer ball a couple of weekends ago and it wasn’t particularly impressive. I was planning on staying until 6am for the survivors photo but in the end Soph was ill and couldn’t go and most of my other friends had already gone back to their parents’ houses so I was with some random girl I only vaguely know and she was hammered. I made fiends with some guy at the bar and he was a bit of a tw*t and I tried to get rid of him a few times but it didn’t work and in the end I was home by half 1!!  A bit crap really. I, bizarrely, got the taxi driver to drop me about 10 mins away from my house so I ended up walking through the village in the early hours of the morning with my shoes in one hand and bag in the other! Lol! ‘Twas random.

Anyway I went out for lunch twice with my friend who has moved away for uni and we had a really good time :o) She’s getting married in about 18 months time and has asked me to be bridesmaid! It was really good to see her though and just have a gossip and bitch about our other two friends who have ditched us lol. I told her that I was going to do my CBT and she was really pleased that I was going to be doing it! Then I went to the gym that night and told Rich :o) He laughed and talked to me for some time about bikes, which was nice and I told him how nervous I was. He then asked who I was friends with on Facebook and I said Phil and then asked what his last name was and said I’d add him, which I did and he sent me a message on the day. He also told me he’d be thinking of me, which was nice (in case you hadn’t guessed - I kinda like Rich. Quite a bit too!)

Well, the CBT itself was…AMAZING!! It was such a good day and I did really well and I love, love, LOVE motorbikes even more :o) :o) The instructor said that I did really well considering the fact that I don’t drive and I got it all done in the one day and I loved it! I’m saving up for a bike now and can’t wait to get one and be able to go out on it :o) Hee hee! I had to go straight to work after it and didn’t want to tell anyone because I wanted my dad to be the first to know. When I told him he called me devious lol but he seems to be happy I’ve done it even though I think he would infinitely have preferred me not to be in to bikes he understands :o)

I had a message from Rich when I got out of work (on Facebook) and we have been sending each other messages all week! Talking about bikes and other stuff now it’s just general ‘what are you up to today’ type thing. I think he likes me. I told him about something that happened when I was on holiday last year when I ran outside on to the balcony in my underwear and I told him about the incident following it which involved a cat, a hair band and a barman asking for a threesome. Anyway he laughed and said, ‘Sorry I heard “I ran outside in my underwear” and didn’t hear anything after that!’ He’s a bit lovely but I don’t think he’ll ever actually manage to ask me out or anything, and also I feel he is giving up/getting bored/losing interest because he didn’t ask me a question in the last message (not totally unusual or anything) but he also put on the end, ’see you soon’. Now…What. Does. That. Mean? Is it ‘Don’t bother replying, see you around some time.’? Is it ‘I know you’re busy today so I’ll probably see you at the gym later’? He hasn’t put it on any other message so I son’t get where he’s going with that… Hmm, I guess we’ll find out soon. He was up at ridiculous O’clock in the morning to get some work done and still went online to send me a message. I really don’t know. Needless to say it’s another stupid situation that I’ve gone and got myself in to. He is a lot older than me also, why is this something that really doesn’t seem to concern me at all?!!

Unfortunately not everyone was as happy for me about the CBT as Rich and dad. I said to Beth, ‘I did my CBT on a motorbike the other day.’ So she responded with, ‘Right.’ Not disapproving she just blatently didn’t care even though she’s known that I’ve always wanted a bike. Anyway just to clarify things I said, ‘So now I can ride a motorbike…’ and she said, ‘Mm, scary.’ She then spent the whole hour that we were having coffee talking about the kids that she’s doing work experience with. She’s a proper primary school teacher now. It’s like she’s had a lobotomy. I actually asked if she would want to go for coffee the day before but she couldn’t because she had, ‘…school all day and Brownies in the evening.’ As my mother said, ‘What is she six? Or sixty for that matter?’ Dear lord. I also went out for dinner with some friends from my old gym and my parents and, despite the fact that they’ve never even been on a bike they spent the entire evening telling me what death traps motorbikes are. I got really wound up because I honestly can’t explain why I love bikes I just do. I can’t explain why I dislike driving a car. All I know is that one feels right and one doesn’t and everyone else can go rot in hell if they don’t like it. I don’t care that they’re only saying it because they’re worried, I don’t try and destroy their ambitions however sh*t they are.

However I think that at least these other people have common sense. I told Nic that I’d done my CBT and next time I spoke to her she said that, ‘Although I’ve never really liked motorbikes the other day I though it could be quite fun.’ Good Lord. Even my dad chooses to drive to work rather than ride because the car is more conveniant/comfortable etc. So how in hell’s name does she foresee herself using a motorbike? She’s never even been on the back of one before so all this desire is based on is the fact that I love bikes. What is wrong with people?! I mean honestly?!! I presume I have PMS at the moment since this post has included character assassinations of several of my friends lol.

Anywho, I truly got myself, and Soph, in to a stupid situation yesterday! We went for our interviews for work experience and the “office” was down a back alley and some tramp showed us where it was and then his mate let us in when we had to go up to this big empty room with a load of plastic chairs in a circle. There was a sheet over the windows, no carpet white walls and random stuff on the floor (paint spills, plastic containers etc. I was looking for hypodermic needles to be honest with you.) The guy running it was really nervous, totally unprepared and had clearly only just left uni. It was ridiculous, I could have set up a more professional interview with 20 minutes notice! When we were waiting to be let in the house/cafe thing (where this “office” was) I was positive we were about to be sold in to prostitution. The alley stank of urine, had loads of beer bottles lying around and there were armed police wandering around the street before it!! Lord only knows what we could have ended up walking in to! Chr*st!

Well, I’ll update you on the Rich situation and the bike related saving soon,

Lyds x x x

P.S. I passed my first year of uni and don’t need to retake anything! Ok I didn’t get great marks but I passed despite the lack of work lol!

‘Lo!

I went out in to town on St with Nic and it was actually…good!! We went to one of the usual bars and had some vodka :o) and then we went on to the club that I like, because it is mainly older people there, instead of the chavvy place that Nic usually prefers. When we were in there I bumped in to 3 of my friends from the gym! One, who is quite fit for an older guy, was all over me. Not in a dodgy way just kind of putting his arm around my waist and putting his hand on my back or hip! He said that the reason that men don’t approach me is because of my height (and I wasn’t even in the 5″ heels!) but then I bumped in to the loser who I always see around the gym and he keeps winking at me but when he’s with his wife he all but ignores me and he asked me to his ‘birthday party’ a little while ago at the gym and added me on Facebook with the message, ‘I nearly added a different Lydia until I saw your pic and thought that is definitely you ;)’ In my profile pic I’m in the dress I wore on Sat and my hair is done in the same way. I practically looked like I’d stepped straight off Facebook in to the club! But he came up to me and said, ‘I think I recognise you, how do I know you?’ I’m sorry, he knew exactly who I am and how he knew me. Twat. He then got his mate to ask me if I worked at his gym! I believe I responded with, ‘He knows exactly who I am.’ Fun times though! I also bumped in to another middle aged man who I’ve seen in there before (from the gym) who last time told me he didn’t want to be with his girlfriend and he couldn’t be happy without me in his life… This time he said that he missed talking to me at the gym and I pointed out that it was him who got embarrassed and wouldn’t talk to me and then he said, ‘No I said that you have great breasts but I’m not embarrassed by that, you have got great breasts!’ So I intelligently came back with, ‘Er, no one is disputing the greatness of my breasts…’ and he fell about laughing and I couldn’t finish my point lol! Anyway, ’twas a good night!

Work all weekend as usual. Was sh*t as usual. However me and Soph are looking to do work experience as journalists with a company offering internships and I applied and I have an interview! Soph still hasn’t got round to it bless her! My parents really p*ssed me off about it though, mum just said wll done but dad kept going on about how much money I’d lose by leaving my job as the internship will be unpaid and then he got on to the subject of how much it’d cost if I have to travel to the next town and back everyday. (a) I don’t know if I’ll get the job, (b) it’s for a few weeks, (c) it’s the best thing I could have on my cv, (d) it will help me to decide what I want to go in to as a career and (e) I presumed that they would support me in this, it’s such a better opportunity than working in a chavvy shop! I would intend to get a better job (ie any other job) when I’d finished the work but I thought that they would support me doing something for my career. Anyway I think mum must have had a word with dad about it because he then started going on about whether he’d be able to take me to the interview and then asked how long it would be for and remarked that if it was only a few weeks then I wouldn’t be losing out on too much money. If he’d bothere listening to me in the first place he would have known that.

Anyway at some point this week I am going to ring up and book my CBT! I’m so nervous but I’m trying to calm myself down with the fact that it’s a training course, not a test. The worst that can happen is that I have to go back for a second day of training, which is probably quite likely considering how nervous I am! Nevertheless, I’m going to book it on Thurs I think for some time next week! Well I’m off in to town now to buy a few essentials (can’t go OTT money has to be saved for CBT and holiday and possible travel expenses for the internship! :o)

Love Lyds x x x

Whoo! Exams are over!!

Apart from the exam, which was awful, Monday was a great day :o) We went straight to the SU bar at half 12, then went for some alcohol in the library (yeh, not entirely sure why…) and then I went hom to get some clothes and went to a bbq at my friends’ house. Afterwards me and Alice went to hers and got changed before going for cocktails with Soph and some other friends and then we all went on to a club. Fun times!

On Tues Soph, Eric, Me and a few others went to see the Sex and the City film and it was AMAZING!!! Lol, we had such a good time too :o) Then on Wed it was Eric’s leaving party so I went to that and sat with a group of people, half of whom I’d never met before, and had a great night!

Yesterday I finally got chance to do an evening session at the gym and saw Rich briefly but he didn’t come over to talk to me and I was in the middle of a X-trainer session so I wasn’t stopping it just for a chat and by the time I was done he’d gone. I went in to the pool area and he wasn’t in there but my new friend was. He is the fireman who I met ages ago (well a few months/weeks back) in the sauna who I was talking to, briefly about Phil. He is kinda lovely (I’m such a Fire Service Bitch lol!) and we went in all of the different rooms together, had a really nice time etc. So we’ll see :o) But I told him about Phil texting me and he said, ‘So are you seeing Phil again then?’ (Err, hell no!) and we were in the pool area for aaaaaaages! He is a bit lovely and an amazingly good body :o) We were talking about losing/gaining weight and he said, ‘Well it’s not like you need to lose weight! I’m sure you’ve been told that before but you’ve got a great figure, a really good, erm, shape.’ God bless him! It’s quite sweet how lovely all the fireman are after the thing with me and Phil. Bless ‘em all :o)

Anwho, Beth’s p*ssing me off at the moment. I have had exams for the past couple of weeks but I met up with her last week and this week I suggested earlier in the week that we meet this arvo for coffee. I text her at quarter to one in the afternoon on wed and she didn’t text back until almost exactly 24 hours later. There’s no reason that she would be unable to text me back at any point that day, that evening or even the next morning and if it was me I would have said something about, ‘Sorry I couldn’t text back I had to…’ do whatever. She acted like I’d only just text her and said she couldn’t do this afternoon but could do about 4ish. I’d already decided that if she couldn’t be bothered to text me back I wasn’t meeting her anyway. I’m going out with Soph and Eric tonight so I would’ve had to go to the gym this morning and be rushing all day so I text her back saying sorry but I’m going out today now and said something about the SATC film being good then she text back saying, ‘Ok have fun, I’ll see you next week probably xx’ I can’t be arsed with it. I’m aware that she has a boyfriend and is doing a lot of work experience but she could explain that instead of just not replying to texts that I send her. I can’t be doing with her to be honest. I have a rant like this about once a month, if not twice, and I don’t even enjoy meeting up with her now so I don’t really see the point. Oh well.

I have just applied to do an internship in journalism so fingers crossed I get to do that and then I can leave the chav shop.

Love Lyds x x x

Well, I was looking through my e mails and found 2 drafts that I wrote during the Phil thing because I had to write down how I felt (English student through and through I am!)

This I wrote the night that he text me to dump me and as blase as I may seem it was because I truly believed that when I confronted him he’d tell me that I was being silly and he loved me:

God i hate what i’m about to say but this isn’t going to go away for me and i don’t particularly think that i’m out of order here.

Things have changed between us now, i don’t stop at yours anymore and Gaz stops every night. I know you have to be there for Gaz and that he needs you, but whenever I see you now you’re too tired because you and Gaz have been up until the early hours of the morning.

It was a month ago that i said that i wanted to have sex with you. As you’re well aware that wasn’t a decision I made lightly and to be honest it’s a bit offensive that a wait until I meet someone who I actually like as a person, having to say no when sometimes i was desperate to say yes, and I meet that person and they don’t really seem to want to have sex with me.

When you’re tired because you’ve been at work, i understand. When you’re too tired to see me but you can still see Gaz, i understand. When you go on holiday with Gaz and i’m desperately trying to find someone to come on holiday with me, i understand. But i can’t come second every single time, i understand that i do come second to Gaz but you aren’t single and, to me, being in a relationship isn’t seeing each other at the gym for a few hours at the weekend.

Anyway this is why I can’t really see us being together much longer, which is a shame because i did enjoy being with you and i really do like you but this isn’t what i want anymore.

x x x x x

Bless me! The more immotive one was written just after I looked at his profile on some website and saw that he was in a relationship with a guy:

I feel stupid cos I should be over him by now but Phil is now in a relationship with someone called Ryan and is definitely gay. I’m so stupid, I’m bawling my eyes out over someone I lost months ago, back in December but he was enough for me and I was never enough for him. He was the first person I liked that much, he was the frst person I actually wanted to be with.

The funny thing is, all these other guys were a bit weird (double my age, clinically obese, didn’t speak English, married etc.) and it was hilarious to tell people these stories, ‘yeh my 30 year old boyfriend took my to stoney cove when I was 15 and now me and my friends call him the pedo!’ fucking hilariious, but the funniest one of all, ‘my ex is now in a relationship with someone called Ryan’ and it’s not funny anymore. It’s funny when you don’t care, it’s funny when it doesn’t matter, it’s not funny when the only person you’ve ever felt that way about doesn’t even find you attractive, can’t even bear to touch you.

As much as people tell me it’s not my fault and you can’t turn someone gay the fact remains that I wasn’t enough for him and nobody can tell me why. Just because he doesn’t find any women attractive doesn’t mean it’s any easier knowing he doesn’t find me attractive, doesn’t make it easier thinking that maybe he thinks back to times he was with me with disgust at what he did with a woman. I’m supposed to be proud of my body yet it disgusted someone I felt so strongly about. Even if it is just a physical thing why doesn’t he want us to be friends? He always said I was like one of his closest friends and it’s not awkward when we’re together so why doesn’t he want to be friends.

I feel like he left me for another person, cos in a way he did, he left me to be with men. I just wasn’t enough for him, yet he was enough for me.

James and Phil were the only men I’ve cared about and I wasn’t enough for either of them, James only wanted a physical relationship and Phil just wanted a friend while Gaz had a girlfriend. If I’m not good enough for either of them who am I good enough for? How can I move on when all I can think is that all of these men will either be like James and only want one thing or be like Phil and promise me so much that he can’t give. How can I consider getting in to bed with someone when the last person I cared about found me so hideous he couldn’t physically be anywhere near me. What if that sort of thing is all I ever get? How can there be anything else when all I see when I look in the mirror is disgusting fat hips, bloated stomach, cellulite covered thighs, horrible breasts and wide shoulders. No wonder he found me so fucking unattractive. No wonder when we split up I went home with two of the ugliest people known to man then ended up having a threesome all with people i’d never met before.

God I hate myself for not being good enough for him. I’m supposed to be good enough. Who am I if I’m not even enough for James and Phil?? Both of them wanted something else. I’m the pathetic one who can’t even manage to keep hold of someone she cares about while everyone around me meets the person that they want to be with and stays in a relationship. No one else is fucked up enough to spend two and a half years trying to covertly persuade a man that she is enough. Who else falls for someone who finds them physically repulsive then still can’t get over him 9 months after they split up? Me.

So I think it’s safe to say that even if Phil turned around and said that I’m the only person he wants to be with etc. I really couldn’t go there after having read that.

So, not good times, bad times!

Love Lyds x x x